Call me PC if you like, but the semantics matter

I've mentioned around here many times that I adopted the 2yo. He was born in Guatemala and came home at 7 months. He's now almost three and is just such a joy to me, his sister and our whole family.

Until I had some close friends who adopted children shortly before I adopted the 2yo, I never spent much time thinking about such matters. When I began to go through the adoption proceedings myself, I spent practically all my time thinking about adoption, and how it builds a family, and how you view your family, and how others will view your family.

Today I was filling out a form related to my wedding in June. It asked for my "natural mother" and "natural father." Umm, perscuse me? I'll just say this set me off. I see questions like this now through my son's eyes -- how would he regard such a question?

I rarely write or talk about the 2yo's adoption. Frankly, I don't view it as most other people's business. But I'm going to take a moment here to answer all the rude questions I've been asked. In many cases, you may have asked them of someone yourself, in all ignorance. I'm sure I have asked similar ones myself in the past, not thinking of how they'd be received on the other side.

• First the "natural mother"/"natural father" issue. Now, I can imagine a reason for a form related to your wedding to ask your birth parents' names. Or, to know the names of your parents. Meaning, the people who raised you. But -- and you may call it semantics, but they are semantics that have a meaning here -- in that case, you should ask for "parents" or "birth parents." Don't ask someone about "natural parents" or "real parents." Both birth and adoptive parents could fit either definition. Don't say, "But you know what I mean." No, I don't. Both sets of parents are critical in our lives, so let's not devalue either with a poor choice of wording.
• Related: Both my children are my "real" children.
• Don't see me with my son -- me, with my fair skin, light brown hair and freckles, and him with black hair and tan skin -- and say, what does his father look like? Well, duh. EVERYONE looks like his or her parents -- their birth parents. You're not going to learn anything valuable by asking this question. The most you can learn here is that I did, in fact, adopt my son. Why do you need to know?
• Don't ask about the 2yo's birth parents. Frankly, it's not my story to tell. When he's older, he can decide if he wants you to know about them, and in that case, he'll tell you himself.
• Now here's an interesting situation I find myself in frequently. In my family, we frequently say things like, "You take after so-and-so." or "You get that from your aunt." In the past, I'd always unconsciously tied such statements to genes. But I've made such statements about my son, and meant them just as earnestly now that I have a broader understanding -- we "take after" our family in our actions as well as in our genetics.

OK, I'm off my soapbox. Please continue with your regular programming.

Comments

[Claudia (cook eat FRET)]

excellent post

[Busy Mom]

People can be dumb.

I can't remember if we've talked about it, but I'm adopted: http://www.busymom.net/archives/003500.html

[Julie]

I just came across your blog. I too have a 2 year old from Guatemala and I couldn't agree more!

[Ashby]

Thought you would find this funny, didn't think of it until just now. When you and Jake visited the school the first time last year, Cissy made the comment that he took after me (in looks).

[lcreekmo]

See actually, that bothers me. I'm not sure why. I guess just because he so clearly does NOT look like the rest of the family -- and why should he need to? I think that's it. He's NOT biologically related to us, and there's no need for him to be. Saying he does when he doesn't makes me think people are saying it would be better if he did.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense.